For Ellen
by Wemmabby
Summary: ...from Duncan Carlisle.


March 11th, 2019

Maybe it's a bad time for me to be saying this, but you were right. I was playing the victim when I was nothing but the offender. It was time to do the right thing for once in my life.

I'm writing to you from a microscopic prison cell, far, far away from D.C. The food isn't great, nor is life in general. Are you alright? How are the kids? What about Brian? Are the two of you making ends meet? You know that I can always help you out. I owe you so much, Ellen. It's the least I could do.

We both know that I'm not getting out of here. Maybe you could stop by during visitation hours and say hello. I haven't had a visitor in years, Ellen. Nina doesn't want to expose Sawyer to this atmosphere. She fears what I have become, but I am the same person I was before. Maybe even more of who I really am.

Earnestly,

Duncan Carlisle

March 23th, 2019

I'm through with the mind games, Ellen. This isn't a trick, though I suppose you still think so.

This is my only outlet. The only time I can actually be honest with myself is when I'm writing to you. And I'm not doing it for me. I'm doing it because I care about you and your family and although I don't deserve the reassurance, it would be great to know that you are well.

Sincerely,

Duncan Carlisle

April 6th, 2019

I remember every moment of when I last saw you. Both of us were standing there. You were heartbroken. I was guilty. I wanted so badly to fix everything, but it just wasn't possible. I needed to start by fixing myself, which is why I left. It sounds strange, I know, but what else can one do while in prison but recollect endless memories of his past?

My last weeks of freedom were a disaster, a mess, a tornado that sucked everyone up with it. I like to think of it as a terrible mistake, but many optimists would consider it a victory. Nina's life was saved, or at least, I believe it was. We haven't spoken in a while. Sawyer should be entering middle school soon. Hopefully she's been keeping her grades up. She's a smart kid. Oh, and I had the chance to know you and your wonderful family! I wish that I could tell you all, I person, how much you mean to me. Without you, everything would've fallen apart. And in a way, it did, but that's on me.

How have your lives been after the incident? After you fled town? Where are you now? Any new dreams or prospects? I'm eager to hear about them.

Yours,

Duncan Carlisle

April 21th, 2019

Happy Easter, Ellen. Is your family doing anything noteworthy to celebrate this year? I'm not, as you already know. The cafeteria may serve up something special for us but I have my doubts. I may celebrate with a few of the inmates, Chad, Russell, and Phil. They're not like me. They're reckless and ruthless and rambunctious and here I am, hiding in a corner, feeling remorse over every time I screwed something up. I'm so sorry, Ellen. So sorry.

Duncan Carlisle

May 30th, 2019

How are you? Enjoying the warmer weather? I've been so sick of all the rain. It's been really muddy and mucky and uncomfortable for me. Did you know that spring is my favorite season?

I wish that I could get out of here and just enjoy the fresh air for a while. There are no flowers at this prison. Everything is gray, and it just merges together in this disgusting way that makes me sick to my stomach. It's painful to look at.

Your responses have been taking a while to reach me. Maybe they've been lost in the mail somewhere. That's okay, though, because I know that you've been receiving _my _letters. I hope that you like them. You're the only person I've been sending these to. I won't bother with Nina, because we don't have any unfinished business. I _would _care to know about Sawyer, but Nina would refuse to tell me about her. Sawyer must be so beautiful now. I can't even imagine her. That' a scary thing, y'know? To know that your baby is growing up and experiencing new and exciting and difficult things, and not being there for them. Instead, you're locked up in the stony lonesome, _alone, _regretting every bad choice that landed you here. Y'know?

Take care and write back soon.

Duncan Carlisle

July 1st, 2019

Finally, summer has come. It's always so cold here in winter, sometimes even in spring. It can be tough. How are you holding up, Ellen? Have you been doing well? I can still help you out if money is an issue, you know that. Don't be afraid to ask me. And don't be afraid to respond every once in a while, alright? I miss talking to you. I also miss talking to Nina and Sawyer and Kramer and Burton Delaney. God, I even miss talking to Sandrine. I miss human interaction, god dammit! I want to see outside these walls again. Please, please come and visit. Understand that I have no one right now.

Duncan Carlisle

September 10th, 2019

Y'know, Ellen, it's fine that you don't come and visit. It really is. But did it ever occur to you to try writing back? Just to let me know what's happening? I know that I don't deserve your respect or your letters but all I'm asking for is something in return. It doesn't have to be a letter. It can be a blank sheet of paper for all I care. This is my one expectation of you. Please don't let me down, Ellen. I know that you can hear me and I know that you're still out there somewhere, living your life, and I know that you want me to hear you too so just drop an envelope into a mailbox somewhere, and just say what you need to say to me.

Duncan Carlisle

March 11th, 2020

I have been informed about your current state. Please don't mind that the ink is running because my tears are dripping onto the paper and I can't stop writing because I need to get this out right now, even though you won't read this because you _can't,_ and even though you've never read a single letter from me, and even though they're all piled high on your grave, never to be touched by the tips of your fingers.

I'm sorry.

Duncan Carlisle


End file.
